the stars are not wanted now
by Black Alnair
Summary: Post 4.08. Killian Jones will not go down without a fight.


**A/N: Post-Smash the Mirror. Or post-smash my heart. *sobs* Will likely be part of a series with a happy ending.**

The stars are cold and silent above him as he stares at them from his prone position in the rowboat. He used to find comfort in their guiding light but their comfort is nothing more than a distant memory now. Everything is muted and far away with his heart ripped from him. No matter. He doesn't need lights to guide him home anymore - he has no home and the one he wanted to make here, with his Swan, will never be. He is living on borrowed time after all.

Still, he stays there all night, under the stars, with the roll of the ocean beneath him, just like when he was a lad, surviving on his own in the streets and stealing onto boats in the night. Even though remembering doesn't feel the same without a heart - it's just a dull ache that now resides in his chest instead of the agony he has lived with for centuries, he draws from his deep vault of memories so he can remember, so he can hold on to enough of himself to do what he must do before he is nothing but forgotten ashes lost at sea.

"My name is Killian Jones," he says to his indifferent audience. "The Crocodile has my -"

He tries to say "heart" but he cannot. Where there was an echo of his former suffering now there is searing sensation that seems to burn him from the inside out. He doesn't realize he has been screaming until he finds himself panting at the bottom of the skiff, wishing he could just pass out. But no, he reminds himself, he is a fighter.

Even as a child, abandoned and alone, he managed to scrape by until his brother found him again. And when he had lost Liam, he fought against the crown under the crimson flag, taking down every royal ship that crossed his path. Even as he lost himself, he raged on. And for three centuries he never faltered in his quest for vengeance for Milah. At least, not until he met Emma Swan.

_Emma, Emma, Emma_, still his blood sings, his lungs breathe, his soul lights. So occupied by his concern for Emma earlier, he hadn't immediately noticed the effects of having his heart taken from him. He had been at his wit's end to get to her, to make sure she was truly safe and sound, to reassure her that she made the right choice in keeping her magic. But as soon as he removed himself from her presence, all color seemed to bleed from the world, from his very being, leaving him in shadows, leaving him as a shadow.

He doesn't know if he will become less and less of himself the longer the Crocodile is in possession of his heart, but he has spent time with the Queen of Hearts and it certainly seemed that way. He does not want to go back to the man he was before Emma Swan. He does not want to forget his love for Emma Swan.

_Emma, Emma, Emma_. She has been the light at the end of the dark tunnel of his life. She has stirred something in him he thought had long been buried in the deepest fathoms of the sea with his first love. She is his salvation. And because of this, he has to remember - how he feels about her now, how he never gives up a fight, how he does want, want, want to be a better man.

The irony is not lost to him. The Crocodile wants to make him into the man he used to be. But he won't be really. That man was consumed by darkness, his better feelings subdued by his thirst for vengeance. It was all he felt, all he needed for three hundred years. And now he may end up acting like the villain he once was but he really is just a mere puppet, his inner self trapped, possibly just drifting away. And he can't do that. He has to fight. He has to feel enough to continue driving forward. Clearly, he can feel pain, he thinks as he continues gasping for breath. But this is physical pain that hinders him, not the pain of losing a loved one, not the pain that gave him purpose to go on in the past.

Killian struggles to sit up. It appears he cannot disobey a direct command from the Dark One but he will not give up while Emma's happy ending is on the line. Killian swallows. Even though that happy ending will not include him.

"My name is Killian Jones," he croaks, still weak from his first attempt. "The Crocodile has betrayed this -" Killian grunts as pain seizes his chest. He grits his teeth and tries to continue but the intensity of it nearly pulls him under on his third attempt.

Still, he goes on and on, testing the boundaries of the Dark One's magic, of his control over his heart, again and again. Because he is going to give a hell of a fight before death comes for him.

"My name is Killian Jones," he says to the stars. "And I fight for Emma Swan."


End file.
